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My wife and I recently celebrated the 5th anniversary of our marriage. Five years ago, a priest in Florida pronounced us husband and wife. To clarify, my wife was pronounced the husband and I was pronounced the wife.

I can't say I was /expecting/ to discover that my husband was my wife. At least not at the time of our marriage. But there had been things I'd been picking up on while we were married. In retrospect, I can't quite say what they were.

I find it all strange, in a meta sort of way. Specifically, I don't find it strange, and others seem to find it strange that I don't find it strange. Then, some people who initially find our situation strange quickly decide that it's not really all that strange. Some of the people who don't find it strange that A's transgendered still expect /me/ to find it strange. I don't get it.

I guess I feel a lot of this pressure, because sometimes I feel a little guilty that I have such a blasé view on it all. I mean, this is a big deal, right? Shouldn't I freak out just a /little/? I've asked A if it's okay that I "just don't care" that she's transgendered. (Doesn't she want me to freak out, even a little?) But she's okay with it. (She does not want me to freak out, even a little.) She /likes/ that I don't care. I suppose that makes sense.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that it's a big deal that she's stuck in the wrong body. I know that she's going to have to deal with the issues associated with having grown up that way, the pain of gender dysphoria, the costs of transition and the terror of giving up all her privilege. But those are her battles: I can and should only care so deeply about them. She's strong, she's smart, and she's brave, and I know she'll get through them. I hope my certainty can lend her strength.

If not...well, at least it lends /me/ strength. I need it, too. I do care about her and I want her to get through this okay. But I know better than to try to "fix" this for her. I have experience with codependency--at best, I'll just frustrate the both of us. At worst, I'll destroy our relationship. No thanks.

I know that this is affecting me more deeply than it often seems. I'm less productive and I need more time to myself. A's emotions have become a rocky as she tries to reconcile her "real" knowledge with her emotional reality, her psychological needs with societal pressures. I love A, so when she's upset and stressed, so am I--even if I'm confident she's working toward a healthier self.

So I've decided, like millions before me, to blog about it. Writing down my thoughts as A transitions will help me understand what I'm feeling and keep me from repeating any mistakes.