catch up (update: now with line breaks!)

It has been a very long time since I last posted here.


Let's see. Ally has gotten on hormones, started presenting full time, switched jobs, switched from electrolysis to laser, and has legally changed her name. Soon she should have her gender marker changed on her license, which shouldn't affect the legality of our marriage or my health coverage, thankfully. Her parents have also made significant progress. They're both using her new name and pronouns (though her dad still makes it into a dramatic performance each time).

There have been a lot of ups and downs on that end. Her mother has been mostly good news; she did research and found support (inside and outside her church) and started using Ally's new name and pronouns right away and everything. We met up with her at the train station one day and it was swell. Ally was so nervous, but her mom had /such/ a huge smile on her face to see us. The same smile I'm used to seeing whenever we visit. I've missed her.

Her father has had a much harder time. I'm not sure he's used to having a parent-child relationship with Ally; he's used to talking to her as a peer. So when this came up, he didn't give her distance from his insecurities -- he presented them full force. Because, hey, you might do that with your best buddy, right? It'd still be horribly immoral -- telling someone they are obviously not suffering from the thing they say they are because they can't make their case against you (while they are sick, uncertain of themselves, in need of your support and significantly less able to make such a case.) But it is definitely something people do.

Finding out that Ally is transgendered just isn't an emotional thing for me, so I totally don't get either of their responses, let alone her dad's response -- which, to me, is ludicrously overblown. I can imagine that's a bigger deal when she's your child, and you've known her 18 years longer than I have...but I just don't understand the investment in the gender. He (made the mistake of saying) that he feels like he's losing a son. On one hand, I know that is an emotional thing, and emotions are stupid. On the other hand -- what? That's not how transgenderism works! You never had a son, you aren't losing any child, you are /gaining/ information about the child you always had. You should be rejoicing, because the child you LOVE can /finally/ seek treatment for an illness she's been suffering from for her entire /life/!

More than anything else, I wish it had occurred to him to call me. Ally says it probably never occurred to him because I'm an in-law. But while he was so worried that Ally was making a wrong decision, or that he was losing someone...he could have called me and I could have reassured him. Ally is the same person I married. And more than that... She's happier, she's more energetic, she's more stable, she smiles more, she laughs more. As I explained to my own mom, these are the classical signs of overcoming depression with successful treatment.


I returned to school last semester and finished up the Spanish class I dropped out of. It was an important class that is a prerequisite for every other class in my major. Now I only need 33 credit hours, 24 from the Spanish language school and the other 9 from any single discipline outside of Spanish. I've chosen linguistics to supplement my in-major focus on Spanish linguistics, so I'll be taking 3 classes in upper level "regular" linguistics and 3 classes in Hispanic linguistics. There will be some overlap in material, since the Hispanic linguistic courses are designed for students who haven't taken any English-language courses on the subject, but I hope there will be a divergence in information covered. I'd particularly like it if the Spanish courses focuses on morphological rules. That would increase my vocabulary exponentially.

The others will likely be literature courses, which have so far been pretty stressful and work-intense classes -- but quite productive in terms of increasing vocabulary and command of the written language. I'm also impressed at just how much classical culture gets packed into those courses. Even playing video games has turned up references to some of the things I've read, watched, or talked about in class.

This semester I'm taking an introduction to linguistics and an introduction to African American studies -- or: "OMG Language!" and "Remedial American History for White People". They're both pretty awesome classes. The linguistics class doesn't count toward my major, but it is a prerequisite for other linguistics courses. It'll also be super useful for when I take Hispanic linguistics.

depression

Not being in school is having the expected negative effect on my mood. Two days ago, I spent the whole day in bed. Ally was worried, obviously, and finally woke me at night, insisting that I eat something (for the first time the whole day) and I got irritated about that, because I was sure I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep and wake up the next day. She doesn't know what to do in a situation like that, and honestly neither do I. And when she cries because I feel bad, it just makes me feel more awful. I know, today, that it's not my fault. But when I'm feeling bad, I can't help but blame myself.

It's my fault I'm sick, after all. Just like everyone's told me. If I just woke up in the morning, when I have negative energy and motivation to do so -- if I just didn't give in to comfort food when I need comfort -- if I just exercised every day when I don't have the strength or energy for it -- if I just remembered to take my medicine, send out emails, make important appointments when my memory falters -- if I magically stopped being afraid of people, of driving, of walking alone. It's all my fault.

I know it's not, really. But that's not really any comfort, either. Am I really going to be this pathetic and dependent my whole life? If Ally died, I wouldn't be able to contribute anything to society. I'm okay with my value depending on others --humans are social and all-- but I'm not okay with my entire value as a human being hinging on a single person.

Since that day, I've been working on raising my mood and Ally has helped. Tonight we're having pizza and watching the movie /The Addam's Family/, which Ally's never seen before and I haven't seen in years. I remember enjoying it a great deal, and I think Ally will like some aspects of it.

update: meds, school, electrolysis, hormones

It's been a while since I've posted, which is a decent sign that things have been going well.

The boost in antidepressants has helped a GREAT deal. My mood has been largely stable and, well, not depressed. I /have/ spent a significant amount of time in that wobbly zone between euthymia and depression. It's where I feel like I'm euthymic, but I know I'm not because I'm experiencing classical symptoms of depression--forgetfulness, missing doses, not wanting to shower, not eating properly, sleeping in too late, and so on. Ally has helped me by checking to make sure I'm taking my meds, and I put in the extra effort to make sure I'm doing everything else.

These last couple days, I've started taking brief walks around the neighborhood. I think I may soon be out of the wobbly zone and into euthymia. The exercise has a huge positive effect, but after only 3 days, I don't want to declare victory prematurely.

I didn't enroll this semester. I was admitted, BUT I wasn't informed by the school until we kept harassing them. We finally found someone competent enough to figure out what had happened, oh, 3 days before the start of the semester. So I said (in so many words) 'Fuck it, I'm not making myself sick to work around your fuck-up, I'm enrolling next semester.' So now I have to reapply, AGAIN. But it shouldn't be too big an issue--again, I'm free money. The school likes money, even if they are utterly incompetent at collecting it.

Ally's therapist has approved her for hormones, finally. She'll be getting her a permission note within the month, which Ally needs to take to a doctor for a script. She's really happy to be finally getting hormones, and I am too. And her therapist has been really useful on other issues. On the other hand, I kind of want to give her therapist a piece of my mind. Ally could have been on hormones much earlier. Why did she have to wait so long for a frikkin' /permission note/ (what is she, 10?) Yeah, I had to have doctors approve my treatment, too, and do you know how long that took? On average, one appointment. As in: "Okay, if those are your symptoms, let's try this treatment." I understand hormones have a more permanent affect on the body, but I still don't understand the wait. The therapist has an obligation to explain that sort of thing, and apparently she hasn't. I /hate/ doctors who don't explain why they are doing what they are doing.

But whatever.

Ally has started electrolysis on her facial hair. It hurts a lot and also limits her shaving, so she gets depressed more easily. Yesterday we were able to hang out with friends while she was a "werewolf", which was a big step for her. It worked out pretty okay. I had a really good time, and got in some good conversation, which isn't too common. Ally was a sweetie and, when I started talking, grabbed part of the group to the game room for a game of Dominion to make it easier for me to continue being part of the conversation (one of the people she took to the game room was our impulsive/loud friend, who has a tendency to blurt things out and scream randomly; he's funny as hell, but it's in his nature to talk over others).

I've got some things to do today, including apply for Spring semester, so I guess it's time to cut this short.

psych appt

I saw my psychiatrist today. We're upping my evening dose of antidepressants. I think it will help a lot, especially when the school year starts up again.

Still waiting to hear back from school to hear if I've been readmitted. I don't see why I wouldn't be, but it'll be another couple weeks before my readmission application is processed.

I withdrew last semester due to stress. It was a combination of [1] Ally suddenly realizing she's transgendered, without "realizing" it or having any supports in place (other than me), and [2] my making some serious time management mistakes in class. [1] Is no longer as big a problem (Ally has more supports in place, including professional ones), and [2] is something I won't let happen again.

I did really like the time off, though.

Woot!

Ally's therapist thinks she'll be ready to start hormones within 2 months.

Love isn't enough

A cried a lot yesterday.

Ally's Parents

Ally called her parents last night for another round of talks. It went about as well as can be expected.

I'm really upset with her parents. They have all the tools to do right by Ally in this and they haven't. I know they have a lot going on, but stuff happens when it happens, to us as well as them. They could have asked for more time. They can still ask for more time. They /should/ ask for more time! They obviously haven't done what they needed to before heaping their raw prejudices up on their daughter.

They hurt her. They hurt her. They hurt her, and they didn't have to. They hurt her, and they shouldn't have. They hurt her, and they should have known better. They aren't stupid, they aren't ignorant, they know where their resources are, they know how to ask for time. They fucked up, and they hurt her.

I am so /pissed/ at them.

Ally asks for so little from them, and she's asked for so little her whole life. And they can't be assed to read up on transgenderism /before/ telling her it's all in her head? Before talking to their spiritual guide to /actually/ see if this conflicts with doctrine or if they're grasping at straws? Before seeking advice or support from PFLAG?

So they think they know better than their daughter what's going on to her own body and mind? They think they can tell Ally that it's all in her head, that she can just wish it all away? They think they know better than Ally what transgenderism means? They don't! And they had better never say anything like that around me, or by their zombie god, I don't know what I will do.

I want to blame your religion /so much/, but it's only a fraction of what's causing you to act this way. You're using it as a shield, to rationalize why you "can't" support A. Let's face it, there's plenty of anti-woman, anti-gay nonsense in the RCC for you to grasp at. But you're being logically inconsistent. Our marriage won't be "invalidated," it's already invalid by RCC standards. You're unethically asking your daughter to hide that -- /and/ to suffer significantly in the process. You need to think long and hard about /why/ it's so important to you two that Ally pretend to be a man that you not only ignore her needs, but even ask her to act unethically.