gender perspective, Baby Storm, and other things

Ally and I have been eating out a lot. That means she has to present as a man more often than she'd like, though when we at our favorite Italian restaurant, she was wearing makeup. She looked beautiful, of course. She is getting very good with make-up: she's already better with it than I am.

During dinner she mentioned that it's interesting to have a new gender perspective on our relationship: for example, now when she holds a door open for me, it's just because she's being nice. I laughed and responded that my new understanding of our relationship means that I can and often feel like I'm being "gentlemanly".


Apparently a couple in Canada has decided that they are raising their 3rd child without telling others what its sex is. Apparently, they want their child to determine its own gender and abilities, and not have it decided for it based on what's "between its legs." Obviously, people are accusing them of "child abuse" and all sorts of other nonsense. I guess we can (mostly) agree that gender stereotyping may suck, but only some of us think we can do something about it! Others think our duty to raise and protect children includes the need to indoctrinate them in harmful gender stereotyping, because /obviously/ that's the only way you could possibly protect them from the effects of it.


Today Ally and I went to Games, Comics & Stuff. I got a couple dice (they have numbers on them in languages I can't read, yay!) and she got Puzzle Strike. Puzzle Strike is a Dominion knock-off she told me about a very long time ago. She tried it out at Gen-Con before Dominion, it, and other Dominion knock-offs were on the U.S. market. I've wanted to play it since. It helps that she compared it to puzzle video games.

On the drive to the store, she was talking about Exalted (a Whitewolf setting), and I accidentally referred to her as a man (you know, one of those third-person referral things). Obviously, it really upset her. Which upset me. I tried to analyze what made me think of her that way, and kind of fumbled around looking for the cause. At first I decided that I guess it was some weird combination of her talking about gaming, which didn't really help, since she wanted to isolate a cause she could remove (she can't really stop talking about gaming, that's one of her major hobbies!) We then decided that it probably just came down to the fact that I've known her for 10 years, and mostly as "C"--sometimes I'm going to regress and think of her as a man. We figured time and effort was going to fix that, so as long as I'm okay with her getting teary-eyed, then it's something we can deal with.

I have noticed that, for some reason, when Ally is talking about games, I tend to regress to thinking about her as a man. To a certain extent, I'm influenced by her speaking, because when she's talking about games, she slips back toward her "man" voice--speaking in a lower pitch and with a faster pace. She's getting much better about pitch, though. Maybe just talking about games in general is something that "takes me back", or resets the way I think of her. We met through games and gaming--it used to be all we talked about--so that's a topic that makes me think "C and I, talking about games", as opposed to "Ally and I, talking about something traditionally girly" or even "Ally and I, talking about saving up to buy a home", and so on.

It really is hard to analyze. Normally I can try to figure things out by comparing my experiences to what I've learned in school, or at least by comparing it to others' experiences...but there's just not enough information /out/ there on this topic. I'm really not used to that.

(title here)

My wife and I recently celebrated the 5th anniversary of our marriage. Five years ago, a priest in Florida pronounced us husband and wife. To clarify, my wife was pronounced the husband and I was pronounced the wife.

I can't say I was /expecting/ to discover that my husband was my wife. At least not at the time of our marriage. But there had been things I'd been picking up on while we were married. In retrospect, I can't quite say what they were.

I find it all strange, in a meta sort of way. Specifically, I don't find it strange, and others seem to find it strange that I don't find it strange. Then, some people who initially find our situation strange quickly decide that it's not really all that strange. Some of the people who don't find it strange that A's transgendered still expect /me/ to find it strange. I don't get it.

I guess I feel a lot of this pressure, because sometimes I feel a little guilty that I have such a blasé view on it all. I mean, this is a big deal, right? Shouldn't I freak out just a /little/? I've asked A if it's okay that I "just don't care" that she's transgendered. (Doesn't she want me to freak out, even a little?) But she's okay with it. (She does not want me to freak out, even a little.) She /likes/ that I don't care. I suppose that makes sense.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that it's a big deal that she's stuck in the wrong body. I know that she's going to have to deal with the issues associated with having grown up that way, the pain of gender dysphoria, the costs of transition and the terror of giving up all her privilege. But those are her battles: I can and should only care so deeply about them. She's strong, she's smart, and she's brave, and I know she'll get through them. I hope my certainty can lend her strength.

If not...well, at least it lends /me/ strength. I need it, too. I do care about her and I want her to get through this okay. But I know better than to try to "fix" this for her. I have experience with codependency--at best, I'll just frustrate the both of us. At worst, I'll destroy our relationship. No thanks.

I know that this is affecting me more deeply than it often seems. I'm less productive and I need more time to myself. A's emotions have become a rocky as she tries to reconcile her "real" knowledge with her emotional reality, her psychological needs with societal pressures. I love A, so when she's upset and stressed, so am I--even if I'm confident she's working toward a healthier self.

So I've decided, like millions before me, to blog about it. Writing down my thoughts as A transitions will help me understand what I'm feeling and keep me from repeating any mistakes.