I saw my psychiatrist today. We're upping my evening dose of antidepressants. I think it will help a lot, especially when the school year starts up again.
Still waiting to hear back from school to hear if I've been readmitted. I don't see why I wouldn't be, but it'll be another couple weeks before my readmission application is processed.
I withdrew last semester due to stress. It was a combination of [1] Ally suddenly realizing she's transgendered, without "realizing" it or having any supports in place (other than me), and [2] my making some serious time management mistakes in class. [1] Is no longer as big a problem (Ally has more supports in place, including professional ones), and [2] is something I won't let happen again.
I did really like the time off, though.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ally's Parents
Ally called her parents last night for another round of talks. It went about as well as can be expected.
I'm really upset with her parents. They have all the tools to do right by Ally in this and they haven't. I know they have a lot going on, but stuff happens when it happens, to us as well as them. They could have asked for more time. They can still ask for more time. They /should/ ask for more time! They obviously haven't done what they needed to before heaping their raw prejudices up on their daughter.
They hurt her. They hurt her. They hurt her, and they didn't have to. They hurt her, and they shouldn't have. They hurt her, and they should have known better. They aren't stupid, they aren't ignorant, they know where their resources are, they know how to ask for time. They fucked up, and they hurt her.
I am so /pissed/ at them.
Ally asks for so little from them, and she's asked for so little her whole life. And they can't be assed to read up on transgenderism /before/ telling her it's all in her head? Before talking to their spiritual guide to /actually/ see if this conflicts with doctrine or if they're grasping at straws? Before seeking advice or support from PFLAG?
So they think they know better than their daughter what's going on to her own body and mind? They think they can tell Ally that it's all in her head, that she can just wish it all away? They think they know better than Ally what transgenderism means? They don't! And they had better never say anything like that around me, or by their zombie god, I don't know what I will do.
I want to blame your religion /so much/, but it's only a fraction of what's causing you to act this way. You're using it as a shield, to rationalize why you "can't" support A. Let's face it, there's plenty of anti-woman, anti-gay nonsense in the RCC for you to grasp at. But you're being logically inconsistent. Our marriage won't be "invalidated," it's already invalid by RCC standards. You're unethically asking your daughter to hide that -- /and/ to suffer significantly in the process. You need to think long and hard about /why/ it's so important to you two that Ally pretend to be a man that you not only ignore her needs, but even ask her to act unethically.
I'm really upset with her parents. They have all the tools to do right by Ally in this and they haven't. I know they have a lot going on, but stuff happens when it happens, to us as well as them. They could have asked for more time. They can still ask for more time. They /should/ ask for more time! They obviously haven't done what they needed to before heaping their raw prejudices up on their daughter.
They hurt her. They hurt her. They hurt her, and they didn't have to. They hurt her, and they shouldn't have. They hurt her, and they should have known better. They aren't stupid, they aren't ignorant, they know where their resources are, they know how to ask for time. They fucked up, and they hurt her.
I am so /pissed/ at them.
Ally asks for so little from them, and she's asked for so little her whole life. And they can't be assed to read up on transgenderism /before/ telling her it's all in her head? Before talking to their spiritual guide to /actually/ see if this conflicts with doctrine or if they're grasping at straws? Before seeking advice or support from PFLAG?
So they think they know better than their daughter what's going on to her own body and mind? They think they can tell Ally that it's all in her head, that she can just wish it all away? They think they know better than Ally what transgenderism means? They don't! And they had better never say anything like that around me, or by their zombie god, I don't know what I will do.
I want to blame your religion /so much/, but it's only a fraction of what's causing you to act this way. You're using it as a shield, to rationalize why you "can't" support A. Let's face it, there's plenty of anti-woman, anti-gay nonsense in the RCC for you to grasp at. But you're being logically inconsistent. Our marriage won't be "invalidated," it's already invalid by RCC standards. You're unethically asking your daughter to hide that -- /and/ to suffer significantly in the process. You need to think long and hard about /why/ it's so important to you two that Ally pretend to be a man that you not only ignore her needs, but even ask her to act unethically.
Monday, June 13, 2011
shopping
Just got back from a mall. We went to a shoe store for my "husband" and a retro game store for me.
Yeah, that's right: we were in ur mall, refusing to abide by ur expectations of gendered behavior.
Yeah, that's right: we were in ur mall, refusing to abide by ur expectations of gendered behavior.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Bisexual erasure
Before I even had an interest in sex, I learned from peers that homosexuality existed and that it was "bad". So when looking at pretty girls gave me fluttery little feelings in my throat, I told myself that it was because I was jealous and wanted to be as pretty as they were.
When I started to work, I had several gay coworkers (and many, many gay superiors), and I unlearned a lot of the taught prejudice. Simultaneously, I learned about bisexuality in much the same way I'd learned about homosexuality. I'd have to say that bisexuality bothered me more than homosexuality, but then again, I was a teenager by now and was bothered by sexuality in general.
I finally admitted to myself that I was attracted to girls in my late teens, when my very attractive friend was pretending to wrestle me--in a super skimpy bikini.
No, I didn't question my attraction to boys--I didn't want to challenge my access to heteronormative privilege. The idea was /literally/ unthinkable, as in I could not form the idea in my head. I can only actually question my attraction to men now, as an adult, after I've been married to a "man" for 5 years and find myself increasingly attracted to her as she transitions.
So am I bisexual or homosexual? Without getting into salacious details, I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual. But, overall, I didn't --and don't-- make a big deal out of it. Various factors make me feel like I don't have a "right" to claim this aspect of my identity (nevermind the outright hostility I've witnessed in the gay and straight communities against "so-called" bisexuals).
It really is crazy how strongly people want to identify you as gay or straight. It really stands out when you, like me, have been seen with a "man" and a woman. Even in online communities, where people know that I married a "man" and have stayed with her as she transitions, people will refer to me as a lesbian. *I* will slip up and refer to myself (and my wife) as a lesbian, when I know better.
compare + contrast
Ally has said to me: "Everything seems so much more real now. People, especially, but even the laptop and that hat seem more real."
When I was finally stabilized on bipolar treatment and began living on my own, I had a completely different experience. Everything felt /unreal/--floaty and dreamlike. For a year and a little longer, my perception of the world was tainted by an overwhelming sense of wonder and awe that extreme emotions were /no longer influencing my every action/. Most of my interactions with people were done with half my mind dedicated to thoughts about how that interaction would have been impossible for the first 20 years of my life.
Mind you, I don't /like/ to compare my bipolar to A's transgenderism. It's not something I do deliberately and consciously. It's just that bipolar is such a huge part of my life, and getting treatment was such a dramatically transformative experience, that I tend to automatically view the entire world through a bipolar lens, noting similiarities and differences. It's actually why I'm glad to see a significant difference between my experience and A's. I mean, you're bound to share a number of similarities when you both live a large part of your younger life suffering from something /really big/, but not knowing "what's wrong" with you.
I don't see transgenderism as a mental illness. I see it as a societal issue, first, and a bodily issue, second. It's only a bodily issue, of course, if the transperson finds it to be so. Of course, when untreated, it can cause mental problems, but that's true for basically any untreated physical problem.
But then, I believe that most mental illnesses are likely to be physical in nature. We just lack the technology to see what is causing the real problem. It's like that one ST:TNG episode, where a woman attempts to use a magnifying glass to diagnose a man suffering from radiation; she concludes the problem is that his blood is boiling. (Why, yes, I /did/ just use a Star Trek analogy to bolster my argument. What?)
It's a little hard for me to balance this belief with the belief that there's nothing shameful about mental illness. I don't think (that I think that) there is anything shameful about mental illness, but I know my society sure as hell does. Really, "mental illness" is really just a great big dumping ground for the things whose dominant "symptoms" are such as we, as a society, find far /icky/.
Speaking of, the DSM-5's coming out soon. Proposed changes for Bipolar and Related Disorders can be found at http://www.dsm5.org/proposedrevision/Pages/BipolarandRelatedDisorders.aspx . There are many new subtypes, which I am glad to see. I especially like "Substance-Induced Bipolar Disorder" (if not the name) and "Other Specified Bipolar Disorder" (it has numerous subtypes: for example, "Subsyndromal Hypomania - Short Duration" is for a bipole with all around normal Bipolar type II symptoms EXCEPT their hypomanias don't last long enough for a Bipolar type II diagnosis). Good stuff, IMO. I'm a little surprised, though, to not see anything specific for juvenile bipolar disorder, which is symptomatically quite different from BD in adults.
The (second set of) proposed revisions for "Gender Dysphoria in Adults" (previously proposed change was "Gender Incongruence"; it's "Gender Identity Disorder" in DSM-IV) can be found at http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=482# . The "Rationale" tab elaborates on the odd status of GD as a mental symptom of a bodily problem.
When I was finally stabilized on bipolar treatment and began living on my own, I had a completely different experience. Everything felt /unreal/--floaty and dreamlike. For a year and a little longer, my perception of the world was tainted by an overwhelming sense of wonder and awe that extreme emotions were /no longer influencing my every action/. Most of my interactions with people were done with half my mind dedicated to thoughts about how that interaction would have been impossible for the first 20 years of my life.
Mind you, I don't /like/ to compare my bipolar to A's transgenderism. It's not something I do deliberately and consciously. It's just that bipolar is such a huge part of my life, and getting treatment was such a dramatically transformative experience, that I tend to automatically view the entire world through a bipolar lens, noting similiarities and differences. It's actually why I'm glad to see a significant difference between my experience and A's. I mean, you're bound to share a number of similarities when you both live a large part of your younger life suffering from something /really big/, but not knowing "what's wrong" with you.
I don't see transgenderism as a mental illness. I see it as a societal issue, first, and a bodily issue, second. It's only a bodily issue, of course, if the transperson finds it to be so. Of course, when untreated, it can cause mental problems, but that's true for basically any untreated physical problem.
But then, I believe that most mental illnesses are likely to be physical in nature. We just lack the technology to see what is causing the real problem. It's like that one ST:TNG episode, where a woman attempts to use a magnifying glass to diagnose a man suffering from radiation; she concludes the problem is that his blood is boiling. (Why, yes, I /did/ just use a Star Trek analogy to bolster my argument. What?)
It's a little hard for me to balance this belief with the belief that there's nothing shameful about mental illness. I don't think (that I think that) there is anything shameful about mental illness, but I know my society sure as hell does. Really, "mental illness" is really just a great big dumping ground for the things whose dominant "symptoms" are such as we, as a society, find far /icky/.
Speaking of, the DSM-5's coming out soon. Proposed changes for Bipolar and Related Disorders can be found at http://www.dsm5.org/proposedrevision/Pages/BipolarandRelatedDisorders.aspx . There are many new subtypes, which I am glad to see. I especially like "Substance-Induced Bipolar Disorder" (if not the name) and "Other Specified Bipolar Disorder" (it has numerous subtypes: for example, "Subsyndromal Hypomania - Short Duration" is for a bipole with all around normal Bipolar type II symptoms EXCEPT their hypomanias don't last long enough for a Bipolar type II diagnosis). Good stuff, IMO. I'm a little surprised, though, to not see anything specific for juvenile bipolar disorder, which is symptomatically quite different from BD in adults.
The (second set of) proposed revisions for "Gender Dysphoria in Adults" (previously proposed change was "Gender Incongruence"; it's "Gender Identity Disorder" in DSM-IV) can be found at http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=482# . The "Rationale" tab elaborates on the odd status of GD as a mental symptom of a bodily problem.
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