depression

Not being in school is having the expected negative effect on my mood. Two days ago, I spent the whole day in bed. Ally was worried, obviously, and finally woke me at night, insisting that I eat something (for the first time the whole day) and I got irritated about that, because I was sure I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep and wake up the next day. She doesn't know what to do in a situation like that, and honestly neither do I. And when she cries because I feel bad, it just makes me feel more awful. I know, today, that it's not my fault. But when I'm feeling bad, I can't help but blame myself.

It's my fault I'm sick, after all. Just like everyone's told me. If I just woke up in the morning, when I have negative energy and motivation to do so -- if I just didn't give in to comfort food when I need comfort -- if I just exercised every day when I don't have the strength or energy for it -- if I just remembered to take my medicine, send out emails, make important appointments when my memory falters -- if I magically stopped being afraid of people, of driving, of walking alone. It's all my fault.

I know it's not, really. But that's not really any comfort, either. Am I really going to be this pathetic and dependent my whole life? If Ally died, I wouldn't be able to contribute anything to society. I'm okay with my value depending on others --humans are social and all-- but I'm not okay with my entire value as a human being hinging on a single person.

Since that day, I've been working on raising my mood and Ally has helped. Tonight we're having pizza and watching the movie /The Addam's Family/, which Ally's never seen before and I haven't seen in years. I remember enjoying it a great deal, and I think Ally will like some aspects of it.

update: meds, school, electrolysis, hormones

It's been a while since I've posted, which is a decent sign that things have been going well.

The boost in antidepressants has helped a GREAT deal. My mood has been largely stable and, well, not depressed. I /have/ spent a significant amount of time in that wobbly zone between euthymia and depression. It's where I feel like I'm euthymic, but I know I'm not because I'm experiencing classical symptoms of depression--forgetfulness, missing doses, not wanting to shower, not eating properly, sleeping in too late, and so on. Ally has helped me by checking to make sure I'm taking my meds, and I put in the extra effort to make sure I'm doing everything else.

These last couple days, I've started taking brief walks around the neighborhood. I think I may soon be out of the wobbly zone and into euthymia. The exercise has a huge positive effect, but after only 3 days, I don't want to declare victory prematurely.

I didn't enroll this semester. I was admitted, BUT I wasn't informed by the school until we kept harassing them. We finally found someone competent enough to figure out what had happened, oh, 3 days before the start of the semester. So I said (in so many words) 'Fuck it, I'm not making myself sick to work around your fuck-up, I'm enrolling next semester.' So now I have to reapply, AGAIN. But it shouldn't be too big an issue--again, I'm free money. The school likes money, even if they are utterly incompetent at collecting it.

Ally's therapist has approved her for hormones, finally. She'll be getting her a permission note within the month, which Ally needs to take to a doctor for a script. She's really happy to be finally getting hormones, and I am too. And her therapist has been really useful on other issues. On the other hand, I kind of want to give her therapist a piece of my mind. Ally could have been on hormones much earlier. Why did she have to wait so long for a frikkin' /permission note/ (what is she, 10?) Yeah, I had to have doctors approve my treatment, too, and do you know how long that took? On average, one appointment. As in: "Okay, if those are your symptoms, let's try this treatment." I understand hormones have a more permanent affect on the body, but I still don't understand the wait. The therapist has an obligation to explain that sort of thing, and apparently she hasn't. I /hate/ doctors who don't explain why they are doing what they are doing.

But whatever.

Ally has started electrolysis on her facial hair. It hurts a lot and also limits her shaving, so she gets depressed more easily. Yesterday we were able to hang out with friends while she was a "werewolf", which was a big step for her. It worked out pretty okay. I had a really good time, and got in some good conversation, which isn't too common. Ally was a sweetie and, when I started talking, grabbed part of the group to the game room for a game of Dominion to make it easier for me to continue being part of the conversation (one of the people she took to the game room was our impulsive/loud friend, who has a tendency to blurt things out and scream randomly; he's funny as hell, but it's in his nature to talk over others).

I've got some things to do today, including apply for Spring semester, so I guess it's time to cut this short.

psych appt

I saw my psychiatrist today. We're upping my evening dose of antidepressants. I think it will help a lot, especially when the school year starts up again.

Still waiting to hear back from school to hear if I've been readmitted. I don't see why I wouldn't be, but it'll be another couple weeks before my readmission application is processed.

I withdrew last semester due to stress. It was a combination of [1] Ally suddenly realizing she's transgendered, without "realizing" it or having any supports in place (other than me), and [2] my making some serious time management mistakes in class. [1] Is no longer as big a problem (Ally has more supports in place, including professional ones), and [2] is something I won't let happen again.

I did really like the time off, though.

Woot!

Ally's therapist thinks she'll be ready to start hormones within 2 months.

Love isn't enough

A cried a lot yesterday.

Ally's Parents

Ally called her parents last night for another round of talks. It went about as well as can be expected.

I'm really upset with her parents. They have all the tools to do right by Ally in this and they haven't. I know they have a lot going on, but stuff happens when it happens, to us as well as them. They could have asked for more time. They can still ask for more time. They /should/ ask for more time! They obviously haven't done what they needed to before heaping their raw prejudices up on their daughter.

They hurt her. They hurt her. They hurt her, and they didn't have to. They hurt her, and they shouldn't have. They hurt her, and they should have known better. They aren't stupid, they aren't ignorant, they know where their resources are, they know how to ask for time. They fucked up, and they hurt her.

I am so /pissed/ at them.

Ally asks for so little from them, and she's asked for so little her whole life. And they can't be assed to read up on transgenderism /before/ telling her it's all in her head? Before talking to their spiritual guide to /actually/ see if this conflicts with doctrine or if they're grasping at straws? Before seeking advice or support from PFLAG?

So they think they know better than their daughter what's going on to her own body and mind? They think they can tell Ally that it's all in her head, that she can just wish it all away? They think they know better than Ally what transgenderism means? They don't! And they had better never say anything like that around me, or by their zombie god, I don't know what I will do.

I want to blame your religion /so much/, but it's only a fraction of what's causing you to act this way. You're using it as a shield, to rationalize why you "can't" support A. Let's face it, there's plenty of anti-woman, anti-gay nonsense in the RCC for you to grasp at. But you're being logically inconsistent. Our marriage won't be "invalidated," it's already invalid by RCC standards. You're unethically asking your daughter to hide that -- /and/ to suffer significantly in the process. You need to think long and hard about /why/ it's so important to you two that Ally pretend to be a man that you not only ignore her needs, but even ask her to act unethically.

shopping

Just got back from a mall. We went to a shoe store for my "husband" and a retro game store for me.

Yeah, that's right: we were in ur mall, refusing to abide by ur expectations of gendered behavior.

Bisexual erasure

Before I even had an interest in sex, I learned from peers that homosexuality existed and that it was "bad". So when looking at pretty girls gave me fluttery little feelings in my throat, I told myself that it was because I was jealous and wanted to be as pretty as they were. When I started to work, I had several gay coworkers (and many, many gay superiors), and I unlearned a lot of the taught prejudice. Simultaneously, I learned about bisexuality in much the same way I'd learned about homosexuality. I'd have to say that bisexuality bothered me more than homosexuality, but then again, I was a teenager by now and was bothered by sexuality in general. I finally admitted to myself that I was attracted to girls in my late teens, when my very attractive friend was pretending to wrestle me--in a super skimpy bikini. No, I didn't question my attraction to boys--I didn't want to challenge my access to heteronormative privilege. The idea was /literally/ unthinkable, as in I could not form the idea in my head. I can only actually question my attraction to men now, as an adult, after I've been married to a "man" for 5 years and find myself increasingly attracted to her as she transitions. So am I bisexual or homosexual? Without getting into salacious details, I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual. But, overall, I didn't --and don't-- make a big deal out of it. Various factors make me feel like I don't have a "right" to claim this aspect of my identity (nevermind the outright hostility I've witnessed in the gay and straight communities against "so-called" bisexuals). It really is crazy how strongly people want to identify you as gay or straight. It really stands out when you, like me, have been seen with a "man" and a woman. Even in online communities, where people know that I married a "man" and have stayed with her as she transitions, people will refer to me as a lesbian. *I* will slip up and refer to myself (and my wife) as a lesbian, when I know better.

compare + contrast

Ally has said to me: "Everything seems so much more real now. People, especially, but even the laptop and that hat seem more real."

When I was finally stabilized on bipolar treatment and began living on my own, I had a completely different experience. Everything felt /unreal/--floaty and dreamlike. For a year and a little longer, my perception of the world was tainted by an overwhelming sense of wonder and awe that extreme emotions were /no longer influencing my every action/. Most of my interactions with people were done with half my mind dedicated to thoughts about how that interaction would have been impossible for the first 20 years of my life.

Mind you, I don't /like/ to compare my bipolar to A's transgenderism. It's not something I do deliberately and consciously. It's just that bipolar is such a huge part of my life, and getting treatment was such a dramatically transformative experience, that I tend to automatically view the entire world through a bipolar lens, noting similiarities and differences. It's actually why I'm glad to see a significant difference between my experience and A's. I mean, you're bound to share a number of similarities when you both live a large part of your younger life suffering from something /really big/, but not knowing "what's wrong" with you.

I don't see transgenderism as a mental illness. I see it as a societal issue, first, and a bodily issue, second. It's only a bodily issue, of course, if the transperson finds it to be so. Of course, when untreated, it can cause mental problems, but that's true for basically any untreated physical problem.

But then, I believe that most mental illnesses are likely to be physical in nature. We just lack the technology to see what is causing the real problem. It's like that one ST:TNG episode, where a woman attempts to use a magnifying glass to diagnose a man suffering from radiation; she concludes the problem is that his blood is boiling. (Why, yes, I /did/ just use a Star Trek analogy to bolster my argument. What?)

It's a little hard for me to balance this belief with the belief that there's nothing shameful about mental illness. I don't think (that I think that) there is anything shameful about mental illness, but I know my society sure as hell does. Really, "mental illness" is really just a great big dumping ground for the things whose dominant "symptoms" are such as we, as a society, find far /icky/.

Speaking of, the DSM-5's coming out soon. Proposed changes for Bipolar and Related Disorders can be found at http://www.dsm5.org/proposedrevision/Pages/BipolarandRelatedDisorders.aspx . There are many new subtypes, which I am glad to see. I especially like "Substance-Induced Bipolar Disorder" (if not the name) and "Other Specified Bipolar Disorder" (it has numerous subtypes: for example, "Subsyndromal Hypomania - Short Duration" is for a bipole with all around normal Bipolar type II symptoms EXCEPT their hypomanias don't last long enough for a Bipolar type II diagnosis). Good stuff, IMO. I'm a little surprised, though, to not see anything specific for juvenile bipolar disorder, which is symptomatically quite different from BD in adults.

The (second set of) proposed revisions for "Gender Dysphoria in Adults" (previously proposed change was "Gender Incongruence"; it's "Gender Identity Disorder" in DSM-IV) can be found at http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=482# . The "Rationale" tab elaborates on the odd status of GD as a mental symptom of a bodily problem.

gender perspective, Baby Storm, and other things

Ally and I have been eating out a lot. That means she has to present as a man more often than she'd like, though when we at our favorite Italian restaurant, she was wearing makeup. She looked beautiful, of course. She is getting very good with make-up: she's already better with it than I am.

During dinner she mentioned that it's interesting to have a new gender perspective on our relationship: for example, now when she holds a door open for me, it's just because she's being nice. I laughed and responded that my new understanding of our relationship means that I can and often feel like I'm being "gentlemanly".


Apparently a couple in Canada has decided that they are raising their 3rd child without telling others what its sex is. Apparently, they want their child to determine its own gender and abilities, and not have it decided for it based on what's "between its legs." Obviously, people are accusing them of "child abuse" and all sorts of other nonsense. I guess we can (mostly) agree that gender stereotyping may suck, but only some of us think we can do something about it! Others think our duty to raise and protect children includes the need to indoctrinate them in harmful gender stereotyping, because /obviously/ that's the only way you could possibly protect them from the effects of it.


Today Ally and I went to Games, Comics & Stuff. I got a couple dice (they have numbers on them in languages I can't read, yay!) and she got Puzzle Strike. Puzzle Strike is a Dominion knock-off she told me about a very long time ago. She tried it out at Gen-Con before Dominion, it, and other Dominion knock-offs were on the U.S. market. I've wanted to play it since. It helps that she compared it to puzzle video games.

On the drive to the store, she was talking about Exalted (a Whitewolf setting), and I accidentally referred to her as a man (you know, one of those third-person referral things). Obviously, it really upset her. Which upset me. I tried to analyze what made me think of her that way, and kind of fumbled around looking for the cause. At first I decided that I guess it was some weird combination of her talking about gaming, which didn't really help, since she wanted to isolate a cause she could remove (she can't really stop talking about gaming, that's one of her major hobbies!) We then decided that it probably just came down to the fact that I've known her for 10 years, and mostly as "C"--sometimes I'm going to regress and think of her as a man. We figured time and effort was going to fix that, so as long as I'm okay with her getting teary-eyed, then it's something we can deal with.

I have noticed that, for some reason, when Ally is talking about games, I tend to regress to thinking about her as a man. To a certain extent, I'm influenced by her speaking, because when she's talking about games, she slips back toward her "man" voice--speaking in a lower pitch and with a faster pace. She's getting much better about pitch, though. Maybe just talking about games in general is something that "takes me back", or resets the way I think of her. We met through games and gaming--it used to be all we talked about--so that's a topic that makes me think "C and I, talking about games", as opposed to "Ally and I, talking about something traditionally girly" or even "Ally and I, talking about saving up to buy a home", and so on.

It really is hard to analyze. Normally I can try to figure things out by comparing my experiences to what I've learned in school, or at least by comparing it to others' experiences...but there's just not enough information /out/ there on this topic. I'm really not used to that.

(title here)

My wife and I recently celebrated the 5th anniversary of our marriage. Five years ago, a priest in Florida pronounced us husband and wife. To clarify, my wife was pronounced the husband and I was pronounced the wife.

I can't say I was /expecting/ to discover that my husband was my wife. At least not at the time of our marriage. But there had been things I'd been picking up on while we were married. In retrospect, I can't quite say what they were.

I find it all strange, in a meta sort of way. Specifically, I don't find it strange, and others seem to find it strange that I don't find it strange. Then, some people who initially find our situation strange quickly decide that it's not really all that strange. Some of the people who don't find it strange that A's transgendered still expect /me/ to find it strange. I don't get it.

I guess I feel a lot of this pressure, because sometimes I feel a little guilty that I have such a blasé view on it all. I mean, this is a big deal, right? Shouldn't I freak out just a /little/? I've asked A if it's okay that I "just don't care" that she's transgendered. (Doesn't she want me to freak out, even a little?) But she's okay with it. (She does not want me to freak out, even a little.) She /likes/ that I don't care. I suppose that makes sense.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that it's a big deal that she's stuck in the wrong body. I know that she's going to have to deal with the issues associated with having grown up that way, the pain of gender dysphoria, the costs of transition and the terror of giving up all her privilege. But those are her battles: I can and should only care so deeply about them. She's strong, she's smart, and she's brave, and I know she'll get through them. I hope my certainty can lend her strength.

If not...well, at least it lends /me/ strength. I need it, too. I do care about her and I want her to get through this okay. But I know better than to try to "fix" this for her. I have experience with codependency--at best, I'll just frustrate the both of us. At worst, I'll destroy our relationship. No thanks.

I know that this is affecting me more deeply than it often seems. I'm less productive and I need more time to myself. A's emotions have become a rocky as she tries to reconcile her "real" knowledge with her emotional reality, her psychological needs with societal pressures. I love A, so when she's upset and stressed, so am I--even if I'm confident she's working toward a healthier self.

So I've decided, like millions before me, to blog about it. Writing down my thoughts as A transitions will help me understand what I'm feeling and keep me from repeating any mistakes.