Not being in school is having the expected negative effect on my mood. Two days ago, I spent the whole day in bed. Ally was worried, obviously, and finally woke me at night, insisting that I eat something (for the first time the whole day) and I got irritated about that, because I was sure I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep and wake up the next day. She doesn't know what to do in a situation like that, and honestly neither do I. And when she cries because I feel bad, it just makes me feel more awful. I know, today, that it's not my fault. But when I'm feeling bad, I can't help but blame myself.
It's my fault I'm sick, after all. Just like everyone's told me. If I just woke up in the morning, when I have negative energy and motivation to do so -- if I just didn't give in to comfort food when I need comfort -- if I just exercised every day when I don't have the strength or energy for it -- if I just remembered to take my medicine, send out emails, make important appointments when my memory falters -- if I magically stopped being afraid of people, of driving, of walking alone. It's all my fault.
I know it's not, really. But that's not really any comfort, either. Am I really going to be this pathetic and dependent my whole life? If Ally died, I wouldn't be able to contribute anything to society. I'm okay with my value depending on others --humans are social and all-- but I'm not okay with my entire value as a human being hinging on a single person.
Since that day, I've been working on raising my mood and Ally has helped. Tonight we're having pizza and watching the movie /The Addam's Family/, which Ally's never seen before and I haven't seen in years. I remember enjoying it a great deal, and I think Ally will like some aspects of it.
Showing posts with label regression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label regression. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
gender perspective, Baby Storm, and other things
Ally and I have been eating out a lot. That means she has to present as a man more often than she'd like, though when we at our favorite Italian restaurant, she was wearing makeup. She looked beautiful, of course. She is getting very good with make-up: she's already better with it than I am.
During dinner she mentioned that it's interesting to have a new gender perspective on our relationship: for example, now when she holds a door open for me, it's just because she's being nice. I laughed and responded that my new understanding of our relationship means that I can and often feel like I'm being "gentlemanly".
Apparently a couple in Canada has decided that they are raising their 3rd child without telling others what its sex is. Apparently, they want their child to determine its own gender and abilities, and not have it decided for it based on what's "between its legs." Obviously, people are accusing them of "child abuse" and all sorts of other nonsense. I guess we can (mostly) agree that gender stereotyping may suck, but only some of us think we can do something about it! Others think our duty to raise and protect children includes the need to indoctrinate them in harmful gender stereotyping, because /obviously/ that's the only way you could possibly protect them from the effects of it.
Today Ally and I went to Games, Comics & Stuff. I got a couple dice (they have numbers on them in languages I can't read, yay!) and she got Puzzle Strike. Puzzle Strike is a Dominion knock-off she told me about a very long time ago. She tried it out at Gen-Con before Dominion, it, and other Dominion knock-offs were on the U.S. market. I've wanted to play it since. It helps that she compared it to puzzle video games.
On the drive to the store, she was talking about Exalted (a Whitewolf setting), and I accidentally referred to her as a man (you know, one of those third-person referral things). Obviously, it really upset her. Which upset me. I tried to analyze what made me think of her that way, and kind of fumbled around looking for the cause. At first I decided that I guess it was some weird combination of her talking about gaming, which didn't really help, since she wanted to isolate a cause she could remove (she can't really stop talking about gaming, that's one of her major hobbies!) We then decided that it probably just came down to the fact that I've known her for 10 years, and mostly as "C"--sometimes I'm going to regress and think of her as a man. We figured time and effort was going to fix that, so as long as I'm okay with her getting teary-eyed, then it's something we can deal with.
I have noticed that, for some reason, when Ally is talking about games, I tend to regress to thinking about her as a man. To a certain extent, I'm influenced by her speaking, because when she's talking about games, she slips back toward her "man" voice--speaking in a lower pitch and with a faster pace. She's getting much better about pitch, though. Maybe just talking about games in general is something that "takes me back", or resets the way I think of her. We met through games and gaming--it used to be all we talked about--so that's a topic that makes me think "C and I, talking about games", as opposed to "Ally and I, talking about something traditionally girly" or even "Ally and I, talking about saving up to buy a home", and so on.
It really is hard to analyze. Normally I can try to figure things out by comparing my experiences to what I've learned in school, or at least by comparing it to others' experiences...but there's just not enough information /out/ there on this topic. I'm really not used to that.
During dinner she mentioned that it's interesting to have a new gender perspective on our relationship: for example, now when she holds a door open for me, it's just because she's being nice. I laughed and responded that my new understanding of our relationship means that I can and often feel like I'm being "gentlemanly".
Apparently a couple in Canada has decided that they are raising their 3rd child without telling others what its sex is. Apparently, they want their child to determine its own gender and abilities, and not have it decided for it based on what's "between its legs." Obviously, people are accusing them of "child abuse" and all sorts of other nonsense. I guess we can (mostly) agree that gender stereotyping may suck, but only some of us think we can do something about it! Others think our duty to raise and protect children includes the need to indoctrinate them in harmful gender stereotyping, because /obviously/ that's the only way you could possibly protect them from the effects of it.
Today Ally and I went to Games, Comics & Stuff. I got a couple dice (they have numbers on them in languages I can't read, yay!) and she got Puzzle Strike. Puzzle Strike is a Dominion knock-off she told me about a very long time ago. She tried it out at Gen-Con before Dominion, it, and other Dominion knock-offs were on the U.S. market. I've wanted to play it since. It helps that she compared it to puzzle video games.
On the drive to the store, she was talking about Exalted (a Whitewolf setting), and I accidentally referred to her as a man (you know, one of those third-person referral things). Obviously, it really upset her. Which upset me. I tried to analyze what made me think of her that way, and kind of fumbled around looking for the cause. At first I decided that I guess it was some weird combination of her talking about gaming, which didn't really help, since she wanted to isolate a cause she could remove (she can't really stop talking about gaming, that's one of her major hobbies!) We then decided that it probably just came down to the fact that I've known her for 10 years, and mostly as "C"--sometimes I'm going to regress and think of her as a man. We figured time and effort was going to fix that, so as long as I'm okay with her getting teary-eyed, then it's something we can deal with.
I have noticed that, for some reason, when Ally is talking about games, I tend to regress to thinking about her as a man. To a certain extent, I'm influenced by her speaking, because when she's talking about games, she slips back toward her "man" voice--speaking in a lower pitch and with a faster pace. She's getting much better about pitch, though. Maybe just talking about games in general is something that "takes me back", or resets the way I think of her. We met through games and gaming--it used to be all we talked about--so that's a topic that makes me think "C and I, talking about games", as opposed to "Ally and I, talking about something traditionally girly" or even "Ally and I, talking about saving up to buy a home", and so on.
It really is hard to analyze. Normally I can try to figure things out by comparing my experiences to what I've learned in school, or at least by comparing it to others' experiences...but there's just not enough information /out/ there on this topic. I'm really not used to that.
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