depression

Not being in school is having the expected negative effect on my mood. Two days ago, I spent the whole day in bed. Ally was worried, obviously, and finally woke me at night, insisting that I eat something (for the first time the whole day) and I got irritated about that, because I was sure I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep and wake up the next day. She doesn't know what to do in a situation like that, and honestly neither do I. And when she cries because I feel bad, it just makes me feel more awful. I know, today, that it's not my fault. But when I'm feeling bad, I can't help but blame myself.

It's my fault I'm sick, after all. Just like everyone's told me. If I just woke up in the morning, when I have negative energy and motivation to do so -- if I just didn't give in to comfort food when I need comfort -- if I just exercised every day when I don't have the strength or energy for it -- if I just remembered to take my medicine, send out emails, make important appointments when my memory falters -- if I magically stopped being afraid of people, of driving, of walking alone. It's all my fault.

I know it's not, really. But that's not really any comfort, either. Am I really going to be this pathetic and dependent my whole life? If Ally died, I wouldn't be able to contribute anything to society. I'm okay with my value depending on others --humans are social and all-- but I'm not okay with my entire value as a human being hinging on a single person.

Since that day, I've been working on raising my mood and Ally has helped. Tonight we're having pizza and watching the movie /The Addam's Family/, which Ally's never seen before and I haven't seen in years. I remember enjoying it a great deal, and I think Ally will like some aspects of it.